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I remember this period being tough as I needed my mom to be home . My Neice said her mum only wanted them and her grandchildren at her funeral so me & my kids were not welcome. No one went…no one was told I’m so hurt angry crying all the time, I’m confused about my emotions, Im hurt by the kids cause I’ve always supported and loved them & they do this. I was depressed for a whole week and lost 20 pounds and my older children and grandchildren nursed me back to functional. I’m much better now but I’ve actually talked to his other woman, they contacted me, about their adventures with him on the phone and some even sent pictures, devastated. Its strange how I could have cared for someone that I hate now and if he could come back, and I knew what I know now, I would run, not walk away as fast as I can.
You may notice that contemporary Filipino Americans try very hard to associ ate themselves with groups that we know as Asian. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a ‘ Third World ‘ Filipino try to connect themselves to the Chinese or Japanese people. There is no connection and here’s why. The Philippines is a Third World country. Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history.
Anything else is brings art down to a lesser level. I do not mean to disparage any certain type of art in particular, except bad art. If bad art sells, that doesn’t vindicate it as art, it vindicates the person as a good salesman, not an artist.
I really pray the memorial goes well and I won’t be further upset and disappointed. But all I can think about is, two days after my dad footy scores died, my mother called and said, “What’s the matter? You sound sad.” I was like, “Yeah, I am sad! ” I just don’t understand and it’s all so hurtful. I feel maybe this is the only place i can write my story. I am the middle child in all 3 girl and 1 boy.
Now it seems I can grieve for all the hurt she caused me, which I dared not acknowledge previously, just because she was my Mother and I was not allowed to blame or criticise her in any way. I still don’t want to find any fault in her, but know the truth of how she treated me in making a succession of step-fathers and their children, more important than me. Yesterday was Father’s day and I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post my cousin uploaded on her page honoring her deceased father. I’ve read several of her posts about him and I’m sure he was a good father to her and her sisters and a good grandfather to his grandchildren but to me, he always seemed cold and distant. I remember being somewhat afraid of him actually.
Get the living will signed for those kids asap! I submitted and believed he took care of all of these things as he promised he did when he was first diagnosed. Then, when he got sick again he became nasty and abusive towards the kids and I… when he died, we were left with nothing! I can’t even pay our bills because everything we owned was is his name and he controlled all the money. State laws will kick in and depending on where you live, will depend greatly on how badly off you will be!
I am not myself anymore because the family I thought I had apparently never existed! I don’t know who I am or why I am here. I am a really loyal person for whom family means everything but they act as if that all wasn’t important.
I never thought it was a grumpy thing until I saw it with a fresh pair of eyes. I’ve heard this from many people. When we’re in front of someone that we could use this behavior, but where is it? The only thing I can control is what I talk about and never discuss it – or hardly ever do. I’ve never talked about this part of it, but the question of ‘how has the loss changed your identity’ persuaded me to talk.
My answer to her was that it was absolutely the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I explained that I saw her last on my birthday and how my decision was never intended to hurt my family. I lost my best friend that day. There was never anything stated to me of how they really wanted me to be there, how hurt he was, etc.
I do really grieve what a pathetic mess he became as an alcoholic and our lack of a relationship as a result. Plus he was sequestered away from me by his wife. I wasn’t even told he had died until I called to try to speak with him 12 days later. I will never receive even a trinket possession to remember him by. I will never be invited to attend his funeral even virtually or know when it’s held, if ever. I am an only child and have no one to speak to about this except my husband who doesn’t understand.
